18 July 2012

Quitting Time

One Christmas Eve when I was about 11, I woke up and told my mom about the dream I had the night before. In my dream I was opening all my Christmas presents and was very excited to have received a barbie horse, and a doll, and some other nicknacks. My mom went a little pale and told me to eat my breakfast. The next morning (Christmas!) I opened my presents and found that my dream was completely accurate. Somehow through the subliminal messages received via the shaking of the boxes, which was a daily occurrence leading up to the big day, combined with the wish list sent to Santa, I was able to divine my future. Ok, so you're saying to yourself, "Well sure, that would do it…the wish list…the shaking of the boxes…she can't really dream the future!" Sure ok.

So yesterday I was telling Jason about the dream I had the night before: He had come home from his business trip and declared that he had begun smoking again and I was so mad I slapped him in the face and started screaming at him. Jason went a little pale and he said, "Oh, that's funny, because I had a few cigarettes while I was away."

So I slapped him in the face and started screaming at him. See? Are you convinced now?

Just kidding, I didn't slap him in the face or scream at him. (But you can be sure that he will definitely think twice about ever cheating on me! "Hey honey, I had the funniest dream! I was chasing you around with a carving knife, waving your freshly sawed off arm at you, because I found out you had slept with someone else, ha ha ha!")

This post is not about how I'm psychic (or psychotic). This post is about how not smoking is mildly yet consistently annoying. (You know, like when your 3 year old just says, "I want Apple Juice" over and over again for 5 minutes straight with no break. He's not yelling, in fact he's speaking very softly. So it's this mild yet absolutely consistent annoyance, until 5 minutes later you suddenly want to throttle him.) What is also annoying is the almost 10 pounds I've gained. That's annoying in the way a white hot poker in the eye is annoying. Not only did I have to tell myself, "Nope, no more insidiously poisonous, highly addictive slow suicide for you, friend!", but now I also have to tell myself, "Nope, no more food for you friend!" The worst part about that is food tastes sooooooo much better when you're not a smoker!!! SO MUCH BETTER. And anyway, what joy is left to you once cigarettes are gone from your life? Alcohol and food. So now, all I have left is alcohol.

Well, it's 5 o'clock somewhere right?

No babies got drunk in the making of this photo. He was teething! What was I supposed to do??


  1. So I quit smoking about 30 years ago. Now I'm an old fat bald guy.

    1. Congrats on quitting Mike! But are you saying that I'm going to turn into an old fat bald guy? Oh boy.

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