14 August 2012

Insidious Addiction Rant #147

Evil and toxic and evil!!
Photo Courtesy Dale M Moore
I'm mad. I'm mad that someone didn't spank me like an unruly child when I started smoking at age 13. I'm mad that I was stupid enough to not give a thought to my future health. I'm mad that smoking was so socially acceptable for so long. Because I wake up on days like this (craving a cigarette for absolutely no reason) and I wonder if I'm going to have to live with this quiet but insistent little addiction monster for the rest of my life. Will addiction monster voice show up unannounced at totally random times in my life forever now? He's been very active today, I haven't been able to shake him at all. So it's going to be one of THOSE days, great.

I think I mentioned before that I'm also in the process of having to give up food. See, smoking numbs your taste buds, puts them to sleep. Within a few days of quitting your taste buds start to wake up. Food suddenly tastes really good, and it just gets better and better over the next few months as your mouth begins to recover from the numb toxic blanket you were putting in it. And when you're quitting it's really important to be kind to yourself, give yourself treats, allow yourself whatever you need to continue cultivating the habit of being a non-smoker. So I ate food. Lots of really good food. And candy. Candy is especially yummy. So now I have to give up candy and half the food I eat because if I don't I'm going to get really fat and I've already gained 10 pounds. So I'm mad because the state I now live in due to a 25 year addiction feels like a constant state of deprivation. It feels like I will now and forever be depriving myself of something (several somethings) that I want.

Evil toxic and evil!! Somebody get me an IV quick!!
Photo Courtesy Petr Kratochvil
Withdrawals are no joke. That stuff you see on TV where there's some strung out dude quitting some big heavy drug and he's shaking and sweating and trying to bribe his buddy into giving him more? IT'S REAL. And you can go through those DT's quitting SUGAR my friend. And those DT's look and feel just as bad as if it really were heroin you were quitting, not sugar. Addiction is addiction, doesn't matter what it is: cigarettes, sugar, huffing ripe fruit fumes (that's gross!) When you take it away it just sucks, even if you were killing yourself with it…maybe ESPECIALLY if you were killing yourself.

I did not expect my quit to be like this, easy at first but getting harder. The first time I quit was when I was pregnant so I had the best motivation in the world. That quit was monstrously difficult at first but got easier and easier the more my belly grew, the more I fell in love with my unborn child, the closer I got to my new life. This time I prepared to quit so that the initial process would be easier. I did a lot of thinking and reflecting and writing and getting my intentions set and clear, and my intentions were all about the first 3 weeks, so I guess I see my mistake. I did what I set out to do: the first three weeks were easy breezy. So because I didn't set my intentions for THE REST OF MY LIFE I'm going to suffer now?? Well thanks a lot universe. So now what? What do I do now that it's hard? And don't tell me to go eat a celery stick or I'll detail you a list of what you can do with celery sticks and carrots and even green beans for that matter.

Sorry, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at cigarettes. And sugar. And that douchetard that cut me off in traffic this morning in his fancy Audi who doesn't seem to know that I don't care if his fancy car can go twenty times faster than my 12 year old pickup truck please try not to kill us all while you show off your STUPID CAR I DON'T EVEN LIKE WHITE CARS JERKO!!!!!!!

Thanks for letting me rant.

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