17 September 2012

What I learned on Vacation


1. It is very hot near the equator.

2. 90 degrees and 90% humidity for 20 hours each day is not necessarily better than 100 desert degrees in a concrete jungle; a clear blue sea with 100% visibility to the floor does however push it over that edge of acceptability. (But please see #6)

3. Iguana tastes like chicken.

4. Beef tastes like goat.

5. Rum is so much more efficient than the little 8oz. beers they serve all over the caribbean. Pina Colada's are the best choice.


6. The Ocean is a dangerous place no matter what the locals tell you OR

6b. The locals are lying to you OR
6c. Jellyfish see Americans as an especially tasty delicacy.

7. Make sure you make friends with the locals so they can escort you to the nearest doctor when a jellyfish attacks you and injects a fast acting nuero-toxin into you causing you to sneeze and shake and causing your blood to boil and lungs to start closing.

8. When you notice these symptoms happening to your best friend don't suggest taking a 5 minute drive to the only wifi hotspot within 30 miles to research what these symptoms mean. Skip all that and listen to me now: these symptoms mean your best friend is dying, take her to a hospital.

9. Better yet, get your kick ass husband to do it because he will grab the paramedic by the scruff of the neck and haul him over to your best friend who is lying on the floor of the fire station turning blue and he will say to this paramedic, "Do something about her right now."

on of my BFF's jellyfish kisses

10. Best yet, have your husband do all this while you stay at the hotel and wait because if you accompany the 3 jellyfish sting victims, one of whom is your best friend, chances are good you will simply yell a whole lot and the paramedics and the doctor would just  not like you very much.

11. War wounds are cool when no one dies.

12. Punch jellyfishes in the face if you see them. Just to be safe. Also lion fish and stone fish. Those are nasties and deserve to be punched in the face.

13. My kid can totally survive without his parents as long as someone is around to feed him cheerios and turn on the TV (side note here: Mima did so much more than feed my kid cheerios and turn on the TV for him, I'm not trying to get her into trouble here. Seriously, she took him to disneyland, to a dodgers game, to get ice cream. They walked the dogs every day and made friends with just about everyone in the neighborhood - I kid you not, it's a midwestern thing you guys: people actually talk to their neighbors there. Weird, I know. She was AMAZING and we are forever in her debt. Jack may have been a little disappointed in fact when we got home. I guess he had a good vacation too.)


Can't you just eat a chicken for geromesake??

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