09 October 2012

They always say it goes by so fast, so can we speed this up please?

Photo Courtesy Ricardo Blue
It's been one of those days. no not one of those days, one of those days. It's been one of those months in fact. Or maybe it's been one of those years, I think I've lost track. Could be it's been one of those lifetimes, oh but don't get me started on that path.

When does life with a child stop resembling being stuck on a tiny fishing boat in hurricane force winds and 60 foot swells? 

There is so much here, where do I begin?

First, Fall has come. And that has it's own set of issues for me. It's quiet this year and it has followed a scorching summer in hell which should have had me ecstatic for the cooler weather and waning sun. But after hitting 108 degrees on October 2nd I finally cracked and got really pissed off. I mean REALLY pissed off man. BITTER. I hate this city. There it's out. Maybe I can get over it before next summer…if I'm even here next summer. I may insist on a 2 month vacation in Victoria B.C. Starting August 1. My family can join me if they wish.

Second my kid is three and a half. For most of my readers this statement is probably enough but please, allow me to elaborate anyway. The phrase "The Terrible Two's" - who coined that one anyway? Seriously who made that shit up because I'd like to punch him in the face repeatedly while shouting, "No one thinks it's cute asshole!! Just because you put two "T" words together does not make your phrase TRUE or TASTEFUL. Now TAKE IT BACK!"

Now, I'll give this guy the benefit of the doubt and assume that he had kids and he couldn't make popular the phrase "The completely F@#&*ed up and soul sucking, life draining Threes". But parents, I want you to be completely honest with me right here and now. Lay it on me, I can take it: most of you lied about the threes by making me think the twos were as awful as it would get…are the fours worse than the threes? For the love of Jebus don't lie.

Oh I just had a thought…I think I understand why you lied. You figured my kid would not live to see his hypothalamus fully develop. Well, ok, thank you for protecting my child from me.

Anyway, yeah it's been a hard few weeks for parenting. Every boundary is being tested, every button being pushed - new buttons are being created in fact. When is this kid going to be 30 again? I'm reading a lot about how to cultivate unconditional love and some of it really resonates, but some of it is outright crap. I swear sometimes parenting experts have no grip on reality. Today I read an article which talked about how to cultivate self discipline in your child and one of the ways offered was to rely on their innate sense of wanting to please you.

Sigh. *Really?*

It would please me if my kid got dressed for school in the morning without a full hour of screaming, crying, and hitting. And yet for months now this has been my morning. This is how I wake up and start my day. *Stretch, ahhhh, coffee, cue screaming, aaaand GO. Before this particular issue it was dinner time. A full hour of screaming and melt down at dinner time. He won that one - he now eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for dinner most nights and I don't care if he sits at the dinner table or in the bathtub, so long as there is no screaming. But now, instead of ending my day with a hurricane, I start my day with a hurricane, and I'm not sure which is worse now that I've had both.

Hey parents, how do you make it through? I'm trying to take my own advice and laugh and/or drink through it (seriously, the drinking is mostly a joke. Mostly.)

A friend once said that all babies have little halos that pop out when they
sleep. I think this goes for toddlers too. Somedays this is the state I most enjoy him in.

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