06 August 2013

I have come home to help my mother die.

I say home even though I never lived in this city (Eugene). But I was born in Oregon and the whole Pacific Northwest feels like home, has always felt like home. I think it's because this place rings out memories that go back to my earliest recall. The memories cling to the tall pine trees like cobwebs and when I return I recognize them as my own and they return to me, sticking to my hair and my clothes.

I say help even though there is actually nothing I can do. In this case help means "sit with". Help means "sing to" and "talk to" and "read to". Help means "wait", "just be present", "try not to yell".

I say die and that I actually mean. She says she's just so tired. I hope she's not tired AND afraid. I mean, what can I say about what comes next? I've got "I don't know" and she's got God and a soft, gentle heaven filled with family and light and a body that actually works again. She's got everything she needs so what is she waiting for?

I gave my love one long hug and squeeze as I left home. I kissed my child and drove away with salty lips from the goldfish crackers he was eating. I drove for 2 days with no dread, no anxiety, no excitement, no joy, no sadness. All I felt was this enormous and totally uncharacteristic CALM.

All I feel is quiet and calm.

(I wrote that from the road next to this river:)

(No wonder I was calm. Now that I'm here the story is a little different. I'll get into that later...suffice to say the business of dying is expensive and filled with paperwork and my mother is issuing directions to everyone around her with a painfully quiet voice that gets more difficult to understand by the minute.)

PS It's never to early to www.getyourshittogether.com 
(Sorry, blogging remotely so I can't do hyperlinks)


  1. Love my aunt so much she will be with Heavenly Father and her sister and mom and all our wonderful family that's passed on no worries Kerry she's going home,Love you Tinker

  2. Blessings upon you n your mother. I pray for a soft landing for all involved. Love. Catherine.